WORN OUT!!!!!

I'm not sure when I've ever found myself more worn out, drained, used up, exhausted and spent than I am now.

Work is utterly exhausting. MB will not be returning to an ED position, and may in fact be entirely retiring. While we had prepared for this eventuality in a year, to have it happen now is enormous. I keep reminding myself that my work would be the same with or without her here as I already assumed responsibility for Hospice, but it feels completely overwhelming. I have CHAP, QAPI and PPS to work on all at the same time, and each is a very big project in and of itself. Add to that learning to work with the different managers and getting to know each person's style of communication, problem solving, etc, and there is simply nothing left of me emotionally at the end of the day. I've been consuming quite a bit of Cabernet in the evenings!

With the stress level at work, I just want entirely OUT of rescue. I am so done. Right now I have ten dogs in the kennels, and I'm paying Jeremy $50/week to do everything. The only time I'm even down at the kennels is on his school nights. The email is minimal at present, and the adoptions are slow. However, I just want to get the dogs all out and either scale back to 2-3 dogs, or quit entirely. Today I just want to quit, but I know when life is more balanced I will probably feel differently. What I'm battling, however, is the negative perception that cutting back causes with those whom I confide in. J had emailed me about two shelter dogs, and when I tried to explain I'm already over committed with work and then had 13 foster dogs at the time, her response was, "I hate it when I know they'll be put to sleep." She only fosters one or two at a time, I usually have 10-14 dogs, and so why should I feel bad if she doesn't want to personally take it on? It is frustrating. I am at the point, though, where I will need to decide what level of commitment I want to make to rescue, or if I am ready to call it quits. I am having so much fun with my own dogs and want to make them a priority, not run around trying to save the world.

October blessings

I am so thankful October is finally here. There is something about this month that I find soothing. Part of it is the weather change, knowing that the scorching summer weather is coming to an end. The evenings are cooler, the mornings crisp. Summer activities, although we don't have many, are finished and things just seem more calm and peaceful. This particular Fall is especially important to me. I feel like I made it through the one-year hurdle of Mom's death, and life is okay. There is something very healing about knowing it's been a year, like I have given myself permission to stop grieving. Or maybe it's just coincidental that the grieving seems to be lessening? I don't know.

On another note, I adopted 7-year-old Seamus, a Standard Poodle, a week ago Monday. I am still not sure if he's a real dog or a decoration, but he is gorgeous. I am hoping that as he settles in he'll get a little more spunk. He is bonding to me and follows me around like a Shadow. He is for sure very calm, mellow and trustworthy with my small dogs and cats, and that was my one single requirement.

The final, final straw!

Liz has sunk as low as she can go. But I have absolutely no one to blame but myself for letting my guard down and expecting her to be honest and truthful and respectful of someone else.

I have two Standard Poodles that Liz is bragging about 'referring' to me, forgetting, of course, that she wouldn't have learned about them if I hadn't turned RFSC over to her! How big of her for sending them my way! Anyway, I got a call from Dr. H's wife, Debbie, who lost her standard Poodle and wanted to adopt another. I called Liz and asked her what she thought, as she has been to Debbie's home before. Liz said absolutely she would adopt to her.

I had this nagging feeling that Liz would somehow interfere, but it never dawned on me she'd do this. She sent C over there and told her about this other Standard that Liz has named Flower. Debbie went and adopted Flower yesterday. Liz's email this morning states that Debbie said I'd never called her, and after all, since she referred these two Poodles to me, it was okay that she adopted Liz's Poodle instead.

The whole shocked the heck out of me, but what is most shocking is that I was shocked. I set myself up for this. Liz is so darn charismatic, and has this pursuasive quality that makes you forget what a dishonest snake she is. She can screw you over and still make you think she's your friend, and I fell for it yet again. I'd actually done a couple of favors for her recently, and sent three dogs to her for microchipping. The door was open only an inch - I'd been very, very careful with her, but now he she pulls this stunt. I really have absolutely no one to blame but myself.

I have to remember this and keep the damn door closed. No more collaboration in any way, and no more requests for help from her with the dogs. She has no integrity and no respect for people. She does what she wants regardless of how it affects others or makes them feel. Amazing.

September happenings

All I can say is that I FEEL BLESSED! On Saturday we sold the Suburban to a guy who saw it online, flew down from Washington to purchase it, and drove back home. Yahoo! This means the rescue will basically be self-sufficient now, and I won't have to put my own funds in to cover the care payment, the vet care for the dogs, etc. And I'll now be able to afford liability insurance too!

Last week I took in a pair of Standard Poodles. Oh my, I *LOVE* the male. His name is Marley and he is so fun, does the typical little Poodle prance. I can hardly wait to have my own Standard....some day!

Below is a picture of me and the dogs taken about six months ago. I love my pack of Poos!

Two months later

It's hard to believe it's been two months since I last posted! Yikes! Let me see if I can think of all that is new:

• I'm now overseeing Hospice at work. This is actually a lot of fun, although a lot of work as well. We have a new Program Director that I'm mentoring who I think will be stellar in time.
  
• We have had a financial loss the last three months at work, with July being the worst. We just had our finance committee meeting today and it was rather depressing/discouraging and made me feel like the Board is simply not addressing the capitated issue which caused $120K loss. They are ignoring that piece and asking us to make more cuts in FTEs - and we just did $50K last month, which weren't yet reflected in the financials.
  
• We have a daughter! A Miniature Poodle one. After considering what a Standard Poodle pup would entail, I thought better of it and instead we have Chloe! She is a little black girl, now 8 lbs, and full of sprite. Talk about fun!
  
• I *may* have the Suburban sold. That would be HUGE....much less of a drain.
• We are working on purchasing a solar system for our house. That will save considerably on the electric bill.

Dogs, of course

The last time Ed flew to Europe (just three months ago), he came home to another dog - Maxwell. I didn't think we'd be adding any additional dogs for a while, as that put us back up to seven dogs - the three Goldens, three Poodles, and Jubie the Corgi. Well, we put Jubie to sleep on June 6th. Then Friday I came home from work to find Dexter, only 8 years old, with a distended abdomen, pale gums, and lethargic. I took him to the emergency clinic where my suspicions were confirmed - he had internal bleeding caused by a tumor on his spleen. I put him to sleep. I can not believe I am down to just two goldens, Abner & Coral. I feel like an era of my life has ended. It is sad.

Well, Ed is back in Europe again. He took Jeremy with him and it has truly been quite an adventure. Ed had previously said after at least one large dog passes and Jubie, we could consider a Standard Poodle addition to the household. I broached it with him on the phone, but think I'd better wait until he returns to get his buy-in. His trip is 18 days, and he's only half-way into it, won't be home until the 4th. I am sure hoping to be able to finally have my Standard Poodle!

Poodles, Jubie and my grey hair

This morning I decided I was going to work from home as I had an appointment in Temecula at 1 p.m., and figured I could do performance evals, etc. at home. I decided to have my coffee in bed while snuggling Coral, Abner and Poodles and watching the early news. First I'd let the kennel dogs out to run around, and didn't think much of it when I heard barking later. About 7:15 I got up to feed our dogs, and Dexter was running around at the fence line barking at a dog I couldn't visualize. Strange, I thought, but didn't think further. About 7:30, though, I noticed there were only 4 foster Poodles in the big play yard.....not good... there should be SIX. Jeremy and I looked everywhere, and there was no sign of Charlie & Lucy.

In the car I went and searched everywhere. While I was driving, Jeremy made about 40 flyers which I posted through out the neighborhood. I got a call from one neighbor who had seen the dogs a half-hour earlier but was unable to catch them. They were right near his house. He kept looking with me, but didn't spot them later. Driving, driving, driving with a full bladder, I feared the worst. About a half-hour later I got a call from another person who saw them on her way to work. She didn't try to stop because she didn't have time, but did see the flyer and called. They weren't too terribly far from home. I kept searching. I was about to give up hope after three hours, when I got a call from the microchip company. Thankfully I'd been able to register their chips on the phone this morning when they were discovered missing, and they were wearing their chip tags. Someone just a few properties down had them in their yard and had called. WHEW! I thought it was going to be the end of me! When I pulled up the dogs looked exhilarated and had clearly enjoyed their grand adventure.

While I would have been stressed beyond belief on any given day with such an escape, today was NOT a good day for it. I had told Kati that it was time to put poor Jubilee to sleep. She came and visited with her yesterday, then called me last night to ask if she could come again Sunday. I told her that wasn't fair to the dog. What I wanted to say is that she'd had ten months and never once visited her. It was the whole reason why I didn't want to let her take the dog to begin with - she isn't and hasn't ever been even a slight priority. She never got her the care for her back, never made sure she had a clean place to live, nor did she provide even the most basic care for her. And now the dog is supposed to suffer for five more days just because she feels guilty and wants one more visit? Nope. I had her put to sleep this afternoon and will mail her the ashes. I feel such a relief for Jubilee, and a sense of...hmmm...accomplishment? Satisfaction?.....that I made it to the end, cared for Mom's dog to the end. I feel like Jubilee was another part of my obligation to mom that I satisfied, and did well, another door to that chapter of life that can be closed.