WORN OUT!!!!!

I'm not sure when I've ever found myself more worn out, drained, used up, exhausted and spent than I am now.

Work is utterly exhausting. MB will not be returning to an ED position, and may in fact be entirely retiring. While we had prepared for this eventuality in a year, to have it happen now is enormous. I keep reminding myself that my work would be the same with or without her here as I already assumed responsibility for Hospice, but it feels completely overwhelming. I have CHAP, QAPI and PPS to work on all at the same time, and each is a very big project in and of itself. Add to that learning to work with the different managers and getting to know each person's style of communication, problem solving, etc, and there is simply nothing left of me emotionally at the end of the day. I've been consuming quite a bit of Cabernet in the evenings!

With the stress level at work, I just want entirely OUT of rescue. I am so done. Right now I have ten dogs in the kennels, and I'm paying Jeremy $50/week to do everything. The only time I'm even down at the kennels is on his school nights. The email is minimal at present, and the adoptions are slow. However, I just want to get the dogs all out and either scale back to 2-3 dogs, or quit entirely. Today I just want to quit, but I know when life is more balanced I will probably feel differently. What I'm battling, however, is the negative perception that cutting back causes with those whom I confide in. J had emailed me about two shelter dogs, and when I tried to explain I'm already over committed with work and then had 13 foster dogs at the time, her response was, "I hate it when I know they'll be put to sleep." She only fosters one or two at a time, I usually have 10-14 dogs, and so why should I feel bad if she doesn't want to personally take it on? It is frustrating. I am at the point, though, where I will need to decide what level of commitment I want to make to rescue, or if I am ready to call it quits. I am having so much fun with my own dogs and want to make them a priority, not run around trying to save the world.

October blessings

I am so thankful October is finally here. There is something about this month that I find soothing. Part of it is the weather change, knowing that the scorching summer weather is coming to an end. The evenings are cooler, the mornings crisp. Summer activities, although we don't have many, are finished and things just seem more calm and peaceful. This particular Fall is especially important to me. I feel like I made it through the one-year hurdle of Mom's death, and life is okay. There is something very healing about knowing it's been a year, like I have given myself permission to stop grieving. Or maybe it's just coincidental that the grieving seems to be lessening? I don't know.

On another note, I adopted 7-year-old Seamus, a Standard Poodle, a week ago Monday. I am still not sure if he's a real dog or a decoration, but he is gorgeous. I am hoping that as he settles in he'll get a little more spunk. He is bonding to me and follows me around like a Shadow. He is for sure very calm, mellow and trustworthy with my small dogs and cats, and that was my one single requirement.

The final, final straw!

Liz has sunk as low as she can go. But I have absolutely no one to blame but myself for letting my guard down and expecting her to be honest and truthful and respectful of someone else.

I have two Standard Poodles that Liz is bragging about 'referring' to me, forgetting, of course, that she wouldn't have learned about them if I hadn't turned RFSC over to her! How big of her for sending them my way! Anyway, I got a call from Dr. H's wife, Debbie, who lost her standard Poodle and wanted to adopt another. I called Liz and asked her what she thought, as she has been to Debbie's home before. Liz said absolutely she would adopt to her.

I had this nagging feeling that Liz would somehow interfere, but it never dawned on me she'd do this. She sent C over there and told her about this other Standard that Liz has named Flower. Debbie went and adopted Flower yesterday. Liz's email this morning states that Debbie said I'd never called her, and after all, since she referred these two Poodles to me, it was okay that she adopted Liz's Poodle instead.

The whole shocked the heck out of me, but what is most shocking is that I was shocked. I set myself up for this. Liz is so darn charismatic, and has this pursuasive quality that makes you forget what a dishonest snake she is. She can screw you over and still make you think she's your friend, and I fell for it yet again. I'd actually done a couple of favors for her recently, and sent three dogs to her for microchipping. The door was open only an inch - I'd been very, very careful with her, but now he she pulls this stunt. I really have absolutely no one to blame but myself.

I have to remember this and keep the damn door closed. No more collaboration in any way, and no more requests for help from her with the dogs. She has no integrity and no respect for people. She does what she wants regardless of how it affects others or makes them feel. Amazing.