December stuff

Last weekend was rather interesting. I spent 9 hours grooming 5 Poodles on Saturday, and then got a call from our professional photographer who wanted to cancel Sunday's appointment due to the rain. :-( Reluctantly, I agreed as we ended up with quite a downpour. However, Sunday ended up being beautiful, and we had Peter snap a few photos of us with the pack of Poos and Goldens. I used this picture to mail out Christmas cards.

Chloe and I started agility training on Friday. It was a lot of fun, although it was COLD - 45F outside. Chloe really enjoyed herself, especially getting hotdog treats, lol!

Things at work are settling down somewhat. The Board considered my suggestion for the CEO, CW, and she will be starting on January 14th. In the meantime, I have learned soooooo very much from this huge ordeal.

1. Never try to predict someone's behavior. At best it is simply a guess. Certainly don't bank on a given response.
2. Even when it is going to be deleterious to someone, follow the rules.
   
3. Don't take what happens at work so personally. Don't expect praise from the Board, and don't get disappointed if they seem to be displeased or if I don't get the kudos I think I deserve.
4. Derive value and pleasure from the things that matter most in life - my family and my home life. I have value outside of work.

Life is good. I feel like I have grown immensely and things can only get better from here.

My life is a soap opera

The other evening as I was talking about work, Jeremy compared my current life to a soap opera. He was entirely right and it's only getting worse!

The good news, I guess, is that I've decided to stay and not change jobs. G was thrilled to hear that as they were worried both P & I would be gone before a new CEO was hired. I have been looking at various opportunities, and in the short term we could pull off a salary decrease, but the long-term impact is enormous as it would take quite a while to get up to my current pay level. In addition, there really isn't anything even remotely comparable locally at the present time, so I'd have to commute - YUCK! So - I emailed the Exec Committee and let them know of my decision. So far only G has emailed back a response.

Now, today rumors were going around that I had accepted a job at S.G. hospital and was starting December 10th. It is actually P that has applied for a Director of HR position and has a second interview tomorrow. One of our former employees has been spreading this around, as she works at SG and is probably involved in the interview process. However, she just has the person wrong. Again, a SOAP OPERA, and I HATE DRAMA!

On a positive note, Chloe and I starting agility next week Friday. Yippee! And this weekend we are putting up the Christmas tree. The following weekend I have a professional photographer coming who will be doing a family portrait of us with all seven dogs. I have wanted this for so long, and will be so great to have a real quality, in-home photograph.

Work, family, life!

I've included this picture of "THE BUG" as it shows just how much he loves his Mommy, and my feelings toward him are equal. THE WORLD IS FINE SO LONG AS I HAVE MY BUG!!!!!

To say the month of November has been trying is an understatement. P & I had approached M about her performance issues and offered her a business development position. She was actually considering it, and asked us to inform the Board that due to her health she would not be returning to an E.D. position. Well, she changed her mind but DID NOT TELL US! She had a staff member tell a Board member, and an investigation ensued. The Board says they concur with our concerns regarding the significant performance issues, but they are allowing her to return to an E.D. position. This whole process has been one big emotional roller coaster. At first the Board was upset that we had handled this without their input, then they felt we were attacking her. After that was resolved, I thought for sure they would only offer her the B.D. role we had approached her with. Oh no....now they are going to take her back. Needless to say, I cannot stay at the Agency. After twelve years, I am looking for a new job. I have two interviews scheduled - one with HealthNet on Wednesday and one with Heartland on Friday. I also have applications in with other companies and am in contact with a couple different recruiters. We'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I took last week (Thanksgiving week) off in order to spend time with Ed who was also taking PTO. We decided it felt more like a honeymoon than a vacation - we really enjoyed it. I did a lot of soul searching, and after looking at our budget I decided I need to make sure whatever position I go after, it's one that I WANT, that doesn't entail extensive driving, and that meets our needs financially.

As Thanksgiving week concluded, I have given thanks for all that we are blessed with. While almost all facets of my life have changed, the most important thing is intact - my FAMILY! I have the best husband, a wonderful son, great canine children, and all that makes for a perfect home life. When everything is said and done, that's what life is all about.

The DECISION! - for real!

I woke up this morning completely exhausted. Our original plans to take all five Poodles to Helen Woodward's annual dog walk suddenly sounded abhorrent. I only wanted to go back to bed after taking the dogs potty, and had no desire to leave the house. I know, though, Ed wouldn't want to stay home and the dogs would certainly enjoy it. So, off we went and had a wonderful time. The weather was perfect and the dogs were so well behaved. We found an agility set up and got to see how Chloe would do. With just a bit of coaxing, she went through the shoot, over the jump and through the hoop. I am really going to try and get her into an agility class, or take private lessons. After the dog walk, we meandered down to La Jolla and strolled into Muttropolis, where we found a GREAT new stroller for the pooches. It's larger than the fold-up we were using, and RED instead of that silly pink. Scooter, Chelsea AND Chloe all fit in it, although Chloe also enjoys walking on the leash too. It has a single front wheel and maneuvers MUCH better than the other one. I am happy with my new find!

Okay, my other news - the DECISION! I have decided, once and for all, I am done, done, done with rescue. In fact, I have an adoption tomorrow and I can't even bring myself to do it. Ed & Jeremy are going for me. After thinking about this and praying for months, it just came to me yesterday when I was talking to Pam. I was mentioning that I was debating between dramatically cutting back (1-2 dogs) or just closing down altogether. She reminded me that there is no way I am going to be able to restrain myself to just a couple of dogs, that I'd feel guilty and would soon be back up to where I am now - ten dogs. By the end of the day I knew what my decision was. I am so very relieved and know it is the right thing.

Things at work are interesting to say the least. It was an incredibly difficult week, one of the more challenging we've had in the last year. I had offended the Hospice managers by their perception of 'micromanaging'. They were adamant about the promotion of a particular nurse, and the Business Development Team was just as strongly opposed. Pam was also very much against it. In the end, we did the right thing - put the nurse in the position and will hope for the best. We had a very fitting ending to the week when G, our board chair, called to say that one of the board members heard that Pam & I were "forcing" M out of her position. Thank goodness G called us first so we could give him the history and inform him that our action was based upon direction by the chair of the QI committee.... Still, M will be mortified as G feels he needs to call her to investigate, and it is nerve wracking for us as it just opens the door for misinformation to be shared. I am just going to be praying and trusting all will go well and that our integrity in all matters will shine through. The very good news is that the Board seems to be pleased with our performance despite three horrible months with financials in the red and other serious issues. Incredible. I guess we are doing better about informing them and providing the info they need to demonstrate we are considering all angles.

WORN OUT!!!!!

I'm not sure when I've ever found myself more worn out, drained, used up, exhausted and spent than I am now.

Work is utterly exhausting. MB will not be returning to an ED position, and may in fact be entirely retiring. While we had prepared for this eventuality in a year, to have it happen now is enormous. I keep reminding myself that my work would be the same with or without her here as I already assumed responsibility for Hospice, but it feels completely overwhelming. I have CHAP, QAPI and PPS to work on all at the same time, and each is a very big project in and of itself. Add to that learning to work with the different managers and getting to know each person's style of communication, problem solving, etc, and there is simply nothing left of me emotionally at the end of the day. I've been consuming quite a bit of Cabernet in the evenings!

With the stress level at work, I just want entirely OUT of rescue. I am so done. Right now I have ten dogs in the kennels, and I'm paying Jeremy $50/week to do everything. The only time I'm even down at the kennels is on his school nights. The email is minimal at present, and the adoptions are slow. However, I just want to get the dogs all out and either scale back to 2-3 dogs, or quit entirely. Today I just want to quit, but I know when life is more balanced I will probably feel differently. What I'm battling, however, is the negative perception that cutting back causes with those whom I confide in. J had emailed me about two shelter dogs, and when I tried to explain I'm already over committed with work and then had 13 foster dogs at the time, her response was, "I hate it when I know they'll be put to sleep." She only fosters one or two at a time, I usually have 10-14 dogs, and so why should I feel bad if she doesn't want to personally take it on? It is frustrating. I am at the point, though, where I will need to decide what level of commitment I want to make to rescue, or if I am ready to call it quits. I am having so much fun with my own dogs and want to make them a priority, not run around trying to save the world.

October blessings

I am so thankful October is finally here. There is something about this month that I find soothing. Part of it is the weather change, knowing that the scorching summer weather is coming to an end. The evenings are cooler, the mornings crisp. Summer activities, although we don't have many, are finished and things just seem more calm and peaceful. This particular Fall is especially important to me. I feel like I made it through the one-year hurdle of Mom's death, and life is okay. There is something very healing about knowing it's been a year, like I have given myself permission to stop grieving. Or maybe it's just coincidental that the grieving seems to be lessening? I don't know.

On another note, I adopted 7-year-old Seamus, a Standard Poodle, a week ago Monday. I am still not sure if he's a real dog or a decoration, but he is gorgeous. I am hoping that as he settles in he'll get a little more spunk. He is bonding to me and follows me around like a Shadow. He is for sure very calm, mellow and trustworthy with my small dogs and cats, and that was my one single requirement.

The final, final straw!

Liz has sunk as low as she can go. But I have absolutely no one to blame but myself for letting my guard down and expecting her to be honest and truthful and respectful of someone else.

I have two Standard Poodles that Liz is bragging about 'referring' to me, forgetting, of course, that she wouldn't have learned about them if I hadn't turned RFSC over to her! How big of her for sending them my way! Anyway, I got a call from Dr. H's wife, Debbie, who lost her standard Poodle and wanted to adopt another. I called Liz and asked her what she thought, as she has been to Debbie's home before. Liz said absolutely she would adopt to her.

I had this nagging feeling that Liz would somehow interfere, but it never dawned on me she'd do this. She sent C over there and told her about this other Standard that Liz has named Flower. Debbie went and adopted Flower yesterday. Liz's email this morning states that Debbie said I'd never called her, and after all, since she referred these two Poodles to me, it was okay that she adopted Liz's Poodle instead.

The whole shocked the heck out of me, but what is most shocking is that I was shocked. I set myself up for this. Liz is so darn charismatic, and has this pursuasive quality that makes you forget what a dishonest snake she is. She can screw you over and still make you think she's your friend, and I fell for it yet again. I'd actually done a couple of favors for her recently, and sent three dogs to her for microchipping. The door was open only an inch - I'd been very, very careful with her, but now he she pulls this stunt. I really have absolutely no one to blame but myself.

I have to remember this and keep the damn door closed. No more collaboration in any way, and no more requests for help from her with the dogs. She has no integrity and no respect for people. She does what she wants regardless of how it affects others or makes them feel. Amazing.

September happenings

All I can say is that I FEEL BLESSED! On Saturday we sold the Suburban to a guy who saw it online, flew down from Washington to purchase it, and drove back home. Yahoo! This means the rescue will basically be self-sufficient now, and I won't have to put my own funds in to cover the care payment, the vet care for the dogs, etc. And I'll now be able to afford liability insurance too!

Last week I took in a pair of Standard Poodles. Oh my, I *LOVE* the male. His name is Marley and he is so fun, does the typical little Poodle prance. I can hardly wait to have my own Standard....some day!

Below is a picture of me and the dogs taken about six months ago. I love my pack of Poos!

Two months later

It's hard to believe it's been two months since I last posted! Yikes! Let me see if I can think of all that is new:

• I'm now overseeing Hospice at work. This is actually a lot of fun, although a lot of work as well. We have a new Program Director that I'm mentoring who I think will be stellar in time.
  
• We have had a financial loss the last three months at work, with July being the worst. We just had our finance committee meeting today and it was rather depressing/discouraging and made me feel like the Board is simply not addressing the capitated issue which caused $120K loss. They are ignoring that piece and asking us to make more cuts in FTEs - and we just did $50K last month, which weren't yet reflected in the financials.
  
• We have a daughter! A Miniature Poodle one. After considering what a Standard Poodle pup would entail, I thought better of it and instead we have Chloe! She is a little black girl, now 8 lbs, and full of sprite. Talk about fun!
  
• I *may* have the Suburban sold. That would be HUGE....much less of a drain.
• We are working on purchasing a solar system for our house. That will save considerably on the electric bill.

Dogs, of course

The last time Ed flew to Europe (just three months ago), he came home to another dog - Maxwell. I didn't think we'd be adding any additional dogs for a while, as that put us back up to seven dogs - the three Goldens, three Poodles, and Jubie the Corgi. Well, we put Jubie to sleep on June 6th. Then Friday I came home from work to find Dexter, only 8 years old, with a distended abdomen, pale gums, and lethargic. I took him to the emergency clinic where my suspicions were confirmed - he had internal bleeding caused by a tumor on his spleen. I put him to sleep. I can not believe I am down to just two goldens, Abner & Coral. I feel like an era of my life has ended. It is sad.

Well, Ed is back in Europe again. He took Jeremy with him and it has truly been quite an adventure. Ed had previously said after at least one large dog passes and Jubie, we could consider a Standard Poodle addition to the household. I broached it with him on the phone, but think I'd better wait until he returns to get his buy-in. His trip is 18 days, and he's only half-way into it, won't be home until the 4th. I am sure hoping to be able to finally have my Standard Poodle!

Poodles, Jubie and my grey hair

This morning I decided I was going to work from home as I had an appointment in Temecula at 1 p.m., and figured I could do performance evals, etc. at home. I decided to have my coffee in bed while snuggling Coral, Abner and Poodles and watching the early news. First I'd let the kennel dogs out to run around, and didn't think much of it when I heard barking later. About 7:15 I got up to feed our dogs, and Dexter was running around at the fence line barking at a dog I couldn't visualize. Strange, I thought, but didn't think further. About 7:30, though, I noticed there were only 4 foster Poodles in the big play yard.....not good... there should be SIX. Jeremy and I looked everywhere, and there was no sign of Charlie & Lucy.

In the car I went and searched everywhere. While I was driving, Jeremy made about 40 flyers which I posted through out the neighborhood. I got a call from one neighbor who had seen the dogs a half-hour earlier but was unable to catch them. They were right near his house. He kept looking with me, but didn't spot them later. Driving, driving, driving with a full bladder, I feared the worst. About a half-hour later I got a call from another person who saw them on her way to work. She didn't try to stop because she didn't have time, but did see the flyer and called. They weren't too terribly far from home. I kept searching. I was about to give up hope after three hours, when I got a call from the microchip company. Thankfully I'd been able to register their chips on the phone this morning when they were discovered missing, and they were wearing their chip tags. Someone just a few properties down had them in their yard and had called. WHEW! I thought it was going to be the end of me! When I pulled up the dogs looked exhilarated and had clearly enjoyed their grand adventure.

While I would have been stressed beyond belief on any given day with such an escape, today was NOT a good day for it. I had told Kati that it was time to put poor Jubilee to sleep. She came and visited with her yesterday, then called me last night to ask if she could come again Sunday. I told her that wasn't fair to the dog. What I wanted to say is that she'd had ten months and never once visited her. It was the whole reason why I didn't want to let her take the dog to begin with - she isn't and hasn't ever been even a slight priority. She never got her the care for her back, never made sure she had a clean place to live, nor did she provide even the most basic care for her. And now the dog is supposed to suffer for five more days just because she feels guilty and wants one more visit? Nope. I had her put to sleep this afternoon and will mail her the ashes. I feel such a relief for Jubilee, and a sense of...hmmm...accomplishment? Satisfaction?.....that I made it to the end, cared for Mom's dog to the end. I feel like Jubilee was another part of my obligation to mom that I satisfied, and did well, another door to that chapter of life that can be closed.

Everyday blessings

Ephesians 3:2o - "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think..."

I recently read a great book called The Glass Castle. It was the true story of a famous journalist and her upbringing. Her mother wasn't into caring for the kids, and her father was a drunk and often unemployed. It left the four kids to their own devices, often trying to hunt down food to feed themselves. They raided trash cans, often had no elecricity or indoor plumbing. They had an awful, difficult childhood. It made me feel like I grew up in royalty. However, while I didn't have to raid trash cans for food, I certainly didn't have it very easy. Mom did the best she could, but caring for two girls on an LVN's salary was challenging at best. When she went to school to get her RN, we were on welfare temporarily. We lived in government subsidized housing. I always felt inferior to the kids at school who had "in" clothes. I didn't have to have the latest and greatest, but I knew I definitely showed our lower income status. It was hard, but it gave me character. It also gave me deep appreciation for all that we are now blessed with. Yes, we work hard for what we have, but I believe it is all due to the Lord's blessing us with great jobs and with a strong work ethic. Today Ed & I went to Costco and bought our patio furniture. We sat out there for an hour this evening, me sipping my decaf and Ed his glass of wine. It was peaceful and relaxing. Our yard and pool is so nice. Things are really coming along. I just feel so very peaceful and love my home.

Celebrating Abner

Just six days ago I thought Abner was a goner. I really needn't have worried though. I should know by now that this goof ball's previous conditioners have been mostly self-induced. In fact, previous to Monday (which was also Memorial Day and Ed's birthday), Abner's last two visits to the Emergency Clinic were for gorging himself on dog food. Knowing this history, I really should have thought hard about his gassiness, his slightly enlarged stomach, and considered how it might be playing a role in his most current condition.

What is that you might ask? Well, I had my introduction to dog seizures. About 10 a.m. he had his first one. He was incontinent of urine during the episode, making me ever grateful for tile throughout our house. He had another at 4 p.m., one at 8 p.m. and when had the last one at 9:30 p.m. I knew it was time to head for the doggy E.R. All his lab work was normal, at least for him, and nothing seemed amiss. Dr. Byrd thought for sure he had a brain tumor causing his sudden onset of seizures. She wanted to keep him overnight, but it was already midnight and I'd need to pick him up by 8 a.m. It didn't seem like 8 hours of ER care was going to make a difference, so I had her dose him up on Phenobarbital and off we went. When we got home, the diarrhea hit. A few more episodes of diarrhea came on, followed by a huge, enormous pile of.....vomit. It was the worst, most foul smelling stuff. It was also mixed with cellophane. I was so relieved that it seemed like instead of a terminal brain tumor, my goofy golden had garbage poisoning! I kept him on the Phenobarbital for the week, and tapered him off. Yesterday and today he was medication free, and no seizures! Yahoo! I am NOT ready to lose my precious boy. He and Coral are really getting up there in years, but I just can't stand the thought of losing either of them. Each day is truly a blessing. After Monday, instead of being annoyed with Abner's mealtime barking, it is like music to my ears. Another day to celebrate this wonderful Golden.

Real Men Love Poodles

When Scooter first joined our family, Ed had no problem showing him affection - PRIVATELY. What he did in public, however, was an entirely different story! I'd be carrying Scooter with me, and if I had to use the restroom and ask Ed to hold him, Ed would exhale loudly, and hang on to the dog as though he was holding a lump of clay. There was NO WAY this guy was going to act even remotely affectionate - or even tolerant - of a Poodle in front of people! After all, what would people say about a guy holding a...a...a...POODLE?!?!?!?!

Fast forward 1 1/2 years and two Poodles later....

There was a local agility event that I'd hear about, and one of Ed's co-workers also mentioned it too. So, I groomed all three Poos and we managed to make it at the end of the day. I had Max on the leash, was carrying Scooter, and Ed was happily carrying his little girl, Chelsea. That's not too big of a test - after all, it's a dog event with dog people.

After we'd watched the competition dogs racing around and enjoying the courses, Ed & I decided to head into town and grab some dinner at Rosa's Cafe. There's a nice outdoor eating area there that is very dog friendly. Ed went and cleaned up first, and when he got back, I handed the Toy Poodles to him to hold. It was quite a site - Max laying on the chair next to Ed (yes, at the table!), and these two "high society" Poodles (that's one someone at the agility event called them!) in Ed's lap. I had to hold a chuckle, thinking how far we'd come. When I returned to the table, I overheard snickering from nearby customers. They obviously found it funny to see this guy at the table with not just one, not two, but THREE Poodles! The best part was Ed didn't even seem to mind. I guess he's now a Poodle convert too!

PEACE and an intro

As what I plan to be an end to my private journal and the beginning of my new blog, I thought I'd take my last journal posting, tweak it a bit, as a start of where I am today!

Often things become clear to me at the strangest times - when showering, doing mundane chores etc. The other day was no exception, and from out of no where Psalm 34 came to mind, specifically verses 12 - 14:

12 Who is the man who desires life
And loves length of days that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil
And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.

Peace has not be easy the last ten months as it has truly been one of the most trying times of my life, both professionally and personally. My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in August 2006 after having vague symptoms for at least a year. While she was in the hospital, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. In a conversation with my husband which was devoted to my self-pity, I told him that nothing could make my life more stressful than if the state surveyors showed up at work. That really wasn't true - there are a lot of things MUCH worse than that - but nevertheless, my worst-fear-at-the-time came true - surveyors arrived in the lobby at work at 8:30 a.m. while I was driving to the hospital to visit Mom. It turned out to be one of the most grueling surveys, made more difficult the fact we had a new manager who was only four days on the job, our Clinical Director was on a medical leave for treatment of breast cancer, and I had to put Mom first as much as possible, taking absences from the survey process as oncologists and other specialists met with her to reveal her condition and explain her options. While the worst unfolded for Mom, we found the news at work very dismal as well - we were placed on Tier II and would be resurveyed later in the Fall.

Mom came home from the hospital on August 18th and stayed with me while on Hospice. She died September 12, 2006, just three weeks after her diagnosis. With the passing of Mom have come other changes as well. My sister and I have had some rough spots and our relationship will never be the same, although I'm trying to reach out to her and be there for her, despite the things that surfaced after Mom died. Other relationships have changed too. In March, I learned that my best friend and business partner in rescue had been dishonest with me. It completely shattered the relationship destroyed the foundation of our friendship. How can you be business partners or friends when you can't be completely forthright, especially when it involves legal issues?

Yes, it has been exceptionally difficult over the last 10 months, but I find myself constantly amazed at the peace and tranquility I'm experiencing. And then that verse came to mind and with it the realization that I have been seeking peace, and I have been pursuing it. I have made conscious choice in my life to make more time for my family, to cut back on other things that rob my time, and to analyze my priorities. In addition, while it's not always popular, I've taken a stand of integrity. There have been situations at work that could have cost me my job - and still may - but I will do the right thing. I did the right thing with my friend as well. Although it was very painful, I put her interests ahead of mine and made an amicable split, allowing her to continue the Golden Retriever rescue while I started from scratch with a different breed, my beloved Poodles.

The peace I am experiencing, however, is greater than simply doing the right thing. It's knowing the Lord is there for me in the Valleys of my life, even though I may not necessarily feel the exhilaration of presence as I do when on the Mountains. I have sensed his Hand working in my life, in the midst of struggles and chaos. I look at things that I once thought were random, and realize something as simple as having Scooter, my precious rescue Poodle, enter my life were part of His plan for me. One of my favorite hymns is "How Great Thou Art," and I find myself singing this song as a prayer, thanking the Lord for all His goodness in my life.